The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
