woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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