I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
