As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Farmville is her only friend.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
