Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
