So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
