worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
