i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
