I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
