Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
