We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
