Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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