my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
