I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
