If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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