i can't believe i had my finger in that
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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