On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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