My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
