I accidentally had phone sex last night
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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