I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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