have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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