Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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