lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
