I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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