he told me I talked like a deaf person
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
