I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
