Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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