i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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