Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you never un-have a 4some
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
