You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
