I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
