omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
