i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
