That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
