Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
