just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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