When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
