Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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