A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
