I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
worst night to have a conscience
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have fence marks all over my body
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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