Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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