come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize