Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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