I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
