he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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