next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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