i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
FUCK WHALES
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
