mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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