remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
