Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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