by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
