So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
