Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
