Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
