When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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