I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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