just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
