Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
