I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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