Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
