even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
